At times I have this image of myself standing by the door with a suitcase in my hand, unsure if I am leaving or returning. In past years I have lived or stayed in and come back and forth from Chicago, LA & Berlin. And in prior years New York was another port of call. There are legitimate reasons for travel as I work in the film industry and am an artist. But I know now that it was "the motion" the need to move and the anxieties that would catch me if I stayed in one place too long. Wanderlust in the truest since. There is a chaos or unrest in my head and motion subdues it. Either I have grown older and things have settled in my body & mind or I may be confronting that unrest. The questions I needed the discipline and the maturity to answer. The notion of "home" has for so long been unclear to me. I felt at odds with settling into my apartment. I've kept friends and relationships at an arms length. But I have felt a change and it feels positive and peaceful. I have been thinking about Chicago a lot, and realizing that in many ways that was a home for me for many years. And not fully connecting may have been a fear of a stable life that I could not see myself in. On my last return from LA I was surprised at how natural it was to reconnect with my crew to make another short film. I had not acknowledged that the years I had lived here had fostered support for my work. It could be that the "motion" I needed was the activity and progress of my projects. So I want to take a pause, welcome the present and see what an anchored environment can do for my work. This is not to say that I will not return to my other "satellite homes". I have true and dear collaborators in LA and my favorite city is a grey, chic city in Europe, but for now it feels good to feel still.
Image Sarah Maingot
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