A Luddite's Lament

Before I begin a film project, I usually see the images first in my head and then go to work to figure out how to execute them and many times that includes developing a story to go along with the images (if a direct story is needed).
For KICK, I had visualized a woman running through the woods, the images were so saturated in my mind that I had to look behind them and see what I could develop to define them. At the same time I was going through some interesting feelings about my video camera. Years ago I bought my first three chip video camera. It was a very, very expensive purchase for me at the time and probably my first "adult" purchase. When I was finally able to buy it, the feelings I had for it were greater than proud ownership. The pride I had for it was more precious. I wanted to protect it and keep it close. I was in my early twenties and as with some artists and professionals at that age, I was not interested in having children. I felt no instincts and was unsure as to if I ever would want to have kids. But I knew women my age were starting families. My passions lay with my potential as an artist and instead of a baby I had a brand new camera (which was basically the size of a newborn). I remember those conflicted feelings and I wondered if I had refocused my maternal sentiments into art work and cinema. I wanted to touch on these ideas someday in my work and then they showed up in KICK.
I have always approached things through an emotivity. Even as I go through a myriad of technical steps, I know I rely on my instincts and emotions. I came from a performance background before my interest began with cinema. When you are in theater or singing there is nothing separating you from the audience. When I got into film I was aware of the distance and objects between myself and the viewer. When making a video, even the most basic project, there are various instruments of production and post production that are used. So it's not just me and my body; there are machines, wires and computers that separate me from the viewer. I have always thought of creativity as being organic and if I think I am creating with a machine I feel disconnected and less in control. But control is the important part. Initially I believe that a part of myself firstly sees the the complexities of the machines I am using and not an inanimate tool that I can control. I subtely remind myself that the camera is in my hands and soon the camera integrates into the organic process that is natural to me.

photo by Larissa Zageris